Christmas pro forma

Morning all.

Due to the number of regrettable incidents and legal fallout from the personal invites to last year’s Christmas party, this year we are providing all (ALL) staff with the following guide, which must be followed. Failure to do so will mean immediate termination.

I should stress, we want all invites to appear personal, warm even, but let’s not go crazy.


Liam Ryan

Fortune Solutions CEO

Dear [Insert client name or organisation here – no nicknames. Eg, Dave, calling those “layabouts” at Crichton Energy “pearl divers” after that alleged incident at the Switzerland conference was inappropriate. And Wendy, we really shouldn’t have to say it, but let’s dial back use of the term “bitches”].

Well what a year it has been. And as 2015 comes to a close we would really like to celebrate [Choose one(1): Christmas/ the Holidays/ Hanukah/ that other Arab-y one (Tony, find out what that one is before you send this out)] with you and your [discretion and research the key here – best to go with “life partner or higher”. Karen, no need to specify “no pets” as this should be assumed and, to be fair to Whitman & Clarke’s claims, I did re-read your email in preparation for the trial and it DID sound like you were taking a swipe at Whitman’s wife] at our CBD office [Ken, as much fun as the security tapes indicate you had with our suppliers, do not refer to our office as “that place where we did blow off the colour photocopier”. Cheree, same goes for the term “Bang Palace”].

Celebrations start from 6pm on December 21 with food, drinks and karaoke provided [Yes, I have caved to the unsanctioned petition and Dave’s sit-in in the Level 3 crawl space, so there will be Karaoke. But if you are planning on doing a group rendition of Mystikal’s Pussy Crook again this year, or indeed anything from the gangsta rap oeuvre, please, please wait until the more litigious party-goers are drunk, have left or are WILLINGLY involved. Also, to whoever was responsible for this last year, please do not spread rumours that there are cash prizes hidden in the office walls. I’m sure we’ll agree that that five-minute frenzy was terrifying, hard to talk people out of and extremely destructive – so unless we want to spend January working out of the car park again, let’s keep a lid on this one].

*Maybe end with a lighthearted joke depending on your familiarity with the recipient. For example, jokes about sporting teams are A-OK. Dave what is not OK are jokes containing infidelity allegations, references to illness either psychological or terminal and casual racism – particularly if used all in the same correspondence (SEE ATTACHMENT).

Wishing you a profitable second half of the financial year.

Warm regards,

[Your name in full as it appears in official communications and not on the footy tipping ladder. This means you, TSwift69]

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One thought on “Christmas pro forma

  1. Jen O.P says:

    Solid lol gold! I made the mistake of reading this in public while eating a beef burger with extra chutney.

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