Christmas pro forma

Morning all.

Due to the number of regrettable incidents and legal fallout from the personal invites to last year’s Christmas party, this year we are providing all (ALL) staff with the following guide, which must be followed. Failure to do so will mean immediate termination.

I should stress, we want all invites to appear personal, warm even, but let’s not go crazy.


Liam Ryan

Fortune Solutions CEO

Dear [Insert client name or organisation here – no nicknames. Eg, Dave, calling those “layabouts” at Crichton Energy “pearl divers” after that alleged incident at the Switzerland conference was inappropriate. And Wendy, we really shouldn’t have to say it, but let’s dial back use of the term “bitches”].

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Rejected TV Pitches

Larry Edmure

Rejected TV Pitches

Here’s something I wrote for SBS Comedy.

It’s Batman



*long silence

“…uhm, commissioner, it’s me. It’s Batman.”
“Right. Sorry. It’s just hard to see through the smoke and the window is closed so the ventila-AND LIKE THAT, HE’SGONE!”
“Still here.”
“Okey dokey. Well, Batman, according to this photo which… look we’ll just wait until the smoke clea-HE’SGONE.”
“Right… do you mind, I’m going to just try to find my inhaler? One sec.”
“Look. Forget it. I’ll come back later.”

*awkward shuffling

“Door, Batman?”
“Yes please.”
“Left of the printer.”

*door slam




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Short shorts


“WOW! You’re an optimist! ME TOO!”
“I said optometrist.”
“Well that’s still GREAT!”
“Shut up and read the chart before time steals more of our short lives.”


“I feel like a Kinder Surprise. Empty inside.”
“Dude, Kinder Surprises have toys inside them. It’s what they’re known for!”
“Mine didn’t.”
“Wow now I am really in a dark place.”
“Like a Kinder Surprise toy!”
“Please stop talking.”


“Is your person wearing a hat?”
*flips ALL remaining tiles down
“Um … oh God. Is your person behind me?”
*smiles *nods *BLACKOUT

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Written it Down – episode 2

“Delivering bad news is hard to do… especially when you don’t know what it is”

A completely unscripted new comedy show that puts two people in the ultimate uncomfortable situation without any idea where it’s going to go next.

Episode 2 – Gillian Cosgriff and Liam Ryan.

More epidoes at

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Children’s classics ruined

Fairy-Tale-Castle-fairy-tales-and-fables-5123629-1600-1200The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe

Agent: …and of course built-in wardrobe…
*opens door to reveal Mr Tumnus smoking
Tumnus: ‘Sup. You boys like to party?


Prince Charming removes the second pair of Crocs from his mum’s dishwasher and ponders whether he will ever find love. Across town, Cinderella turns to her cats: “Did you feel that?”

Peter Pan

“Hey, Neverland, I’m calling it! Spring has-” *Peter Pan vigorously removes stripper pants “sprung!!” *Bangarang starts to play

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2014: A Print Odyssey

I wrote the script and helped out on this funny li’l’ commercial for Norwood Industries.

Romp, there it is


verb: play roughly and energetically

noun: a spell of rough, energetic play

It has come to our attention that many of you are unsure when – if at all – you are taking part in a ROMP. To ensure the good word ‘ROMP’ is not applied incorrectly, please print out and keep this handy guide.

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Rent Inspection


Dear tenant/s.

Well it’s that time of the year again.

To benefit both you and the landlord, but not really you and definitely him, we would like to send a low level grunt from our organisation to rifle through your stuff on 09/09/2013 between the hours of 4am and midnight. Continue reading

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day-at-airport crop.jpg_and_Pics_and_Add_New_Post_‹_Not_Unreadable_—_WordPressTaxi

We are at the airport. I know this because Craig keeps rushing back to the parked taxi to get me to “hurry up or we’ll miss the flight”. But I am chatting with the driver and on the cusp of a breakthrough. This is remarkable as he “no hablo ingles” yet I am pretty sure I have talked him round to watching Orange is the New Black. Continue reading

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