Here’s something I wrote for SBS Comedy.
Congratulations on your purchase of Blu Vu (BVs2) – the compact personal-support unit that will aid and serve you in all areas of life. We trust you will not encounter any problems with Blu Vu but in case there are teething issues here are some FAQs.
Q: I can’t turn the unit off. Is there a switch I can’t see?
A: No. To make life easy, the unit will simply turn itself off when it is good and ready.
Q: Is there a way to reduce the amount of intense, withering eye contact the unit engages in?
A: Not really. The best solution is for you to get used to it.
Q: Although its waddling is cute is there a way to adjust its stride so it sounds less like I am being followed by a bag full of pans?
Q: Why does the product appear to be mapping my every move and watching me sleep?
A: It is all part of its conscientious 24/7-assistance programing.
Q: Why did you give it teeth?
10 second silence
“Um it’s me. It’s Batman.”
“Right. Sorry. It’s just hard to see through the smoke and the window is closed so the ventila-HE’SGONE!”
“Right. Well, Batman, according to this photo which… look we’ll just wait until the smoke clea-HE’SGONE.”
“Right… do you mind, I’m going to just try to find my inhaler? One sec.”
“Ugh. Forget it. I’ll come back later.”
“Left of the printer.”
“WOW! You’re an optimist! ME TOO!”
“I said optometrist.”
“Well that’s still GREAT!”
“Shut up and read the chart before time steals more of our short lives.”
“I feel like a Kinder Surprise. Empty inside.”
“Dude, Kinder Surprises have toys inside them. It’s what they’re known for!”
“Wow now I am really in a dark place.”
“Like a Kinder Surprise toy!”
“Please stop talking.”
“Is your person wearing a hat?”
*flips ALL remaining tiles down
“Um … oh God. Is your person behind me?”
*smiles *nods *BLACKOUT
“Delivering bad news is hard to do… especially when you don’t know what it is”
A completely unscripted new comedy show that puts two people in the ultimate uncomfortable situation without any idea where it’s going to go next.
Episode 2 – Gillian Cosgriff and Liam Ryan.
More epidoes at writtenitdown.com/
Agent: …and of course built-in wardrobe…
*opens door to reveal Mr Tumnus smoking
Tumnus: ‘Sup. You boys like to party?
Prince Charming removes the second pair of Crocs from his mum’s dishwasher and ponders whether he will ever find love. Across town, Cinderella turns to her cats: “Did you feel that?”
“Hey, Neverland, I’m calling it! Spring has-” *Peter Pan vigorously removes stripper pants “sprung!!” *Bangarang starts to play
I wrote the script and helped out on this funny li’l’ commercial for Norwood Industries.
verb: play roughly and energetically
noun: a spell of rough, energetic play
It has come to our attention that many of you are unsure when - if at all - you are taking part in a ROMP. To ensure the good word ‘ROMP’ is not applied incorrectly, please print out and keep this handy guide.
Well it’s that time of the year again.
To benefit both you and the landlord, but not really you and definitely him, we would like to send a low level grunt from our organisation to rifle through your stuff on 09/09/2013 between the hours of 4am and midnight. Continue reading
We are at the airport. I know this because Craig keeps rushing back to the parked taxi to get me to “hurry up or we’ll miss the flight”. But I am chatting with the driver and on the cusp of a breakthrough. This is remarkable as he “no hablo ingles” yet I am pretty sure I have talked him round to watching Orange is the New Black. Continue reading